Writing, thoughts, and anxiety.
It is a Sunday morning. This was the time period that I sat aside to do writing for this blog. It came up on my calendar this morning.
Over the last few years, that schedule has been revamped several times. Now I just write as I feel like it. No scheduled days, no topics lists, just writing what my thoughts are and how I feel in those moments.
I realized the last two weeks that I was writing more because of anxiety. The anxiety of just everyday life and the people in it. The actual purpose of this blog when I started. It came back around full circle.
It is not a spiraling down into depression that I feel now, it is the feeling of being anxious but not for any bad reasons. The anxiousness is for good reasons, life is moving in a more positive direction. I am impatient and want things to move quicker but trying to remain calm about it.
Anxiety/Anxious – “a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.”
I thought it was interesting that they both had the same definition. When I am describing anxiety it automatically means something negative to me as opposed to anxious which could be negative but I have always viewed it as a positive. To me, anxious is indication of change, to wait for something to occur. I guess a better word choice would be eager or longing but those too could have negative connotations. Eager could be overthinking something while longing is not necessarily good if the object of longing is not feasible, possible, or even realistic.
All of these adjectives, verbs, and nouns to describe a feeling, a moment, or a thought. When you have major depressive disorder and anxiety it can never be pinned down to just one word. The feelings and thoughts become this amalgamation of so many different things it is sometimes hard to generalize into a single word to describe it.
The feelings I have are due to the current online relationship. It is still ongoing and has been good so far, a few hiccups here and there but overall positive. I have enjoyed the early morning text messages and the phone calls. It has been nice having someone to talk to. We have had moments of misunderstanding between us but it eventually gets worked out. It has been refreshing talking to a grown up person who has grown up conversations to say what they are thinking and feeling.
He has been very encouraging in wanting me to voice my anxiety thoughts so we can work through them. I was hesitant at first because that is definitely not the type of relationship I have been in prior to him. Previously it never turned out well when I voiced what I was thinking. The people in my life, before, would make me feel bad or ungrateful for voicing how I felt. I would just shut down and internalize everything. That’s when my self-esteem and confidence was at its lowest points.
The anxiousness has to do with the possibility of meeting this person but it has some obstacles, time, and distance. It is the thoughts of meeting the person face to face that has given me this nervous knot in my stomach. The one thing that I have wanted for so long, a relationship, may actually be a reality at some point. I never thought it would happen and now I just don’t know what to do with myself. It is like going on your very first date or having your very first boyfriend, all over again. That was an exceptionally long time ago for me and the last relationship I was in ended January of 2016, so yes, it has been a while.
It has been my focus for the last 5 years, to manifest the person that I want in my life. To manifest the ideal person for me. One who listens to my thoughts without judgment, without an agenda, and with nothing but love and respect for who I am as a person. A person that would be at the base level, a devoted friend. The person that I would want to spend the rest of my life with and not worry about how they treat me. A person that I could lean on when I need it. A person that has actual concern for my overall well-being. A person who they themselves would rely on me for the same things. An open and communicative person willing to bare their soul, thoughts, and feelings. A person that I could still learn and grow with. There would be no jealousy, competition, or ego getting in the way. A person that feels we are equal in the relationship. There is no assertion of power or outdated ideals of what a relationship should be.
That is a lot to ask for in one person. I knew there was someone out there that would meet a majority of these ideals, so I waited and tried to be patient while I did.
I met quite a few people over the last 5 years online and in person but none of them had that spark that kept me there. That wanting to know more about them, feeling comfortable around them, and being on the same page. This online person has been the only one that met most of these ideals. The being completely open about feelings is still a work in progress but it is getting there. We both have some issues to work on but as long as we are talking about them it will be okay.
The other topics that have caused anxiety over the last few weeks has been my mother, her family, and the thoughts of my ex-husband. Finally facing those large obstacles blocking my true happiness has been dealt with and I still have some pangs of regret but they are lessening each day. Eventually, I will wake up one day and it will just be some distant memory. Until then, I will deal with those feelings as they come along. I refuse to let those thoughts put a blemish on my happiness anymore.
The last thing that has been affected by all of this has been the sleep issues. Once I spoke with the online person about some of the things that were worrying me and cut out the toxic people/thoughts, the anxiety has gone down tremendously. I actually slept 7 hours last night, all the way through, and did not even hear my phone ring or beep. I was kind of down because I missed some calls and texts but I know we will talk later. The only negative affect with sleeping that long is I am tired today.
Sleep has always been an issue for me. Lack of sleep and restful sleep to be precise. I will have moments where I have no problem getting to sleep but staying asleep is the issue. I will wake up at the slightest noise. It is that hyper awareness due to trauma that I still cannot shake sometimes.
Then there are days when I am so exhausted, that I cannot do anything else but sleep on and off all day. I dread those days because it always seems to happen when I need to get things accomplished. I will drink too much caffeine and then crash at the end of the day. Having too much sleep has the same effect as not enough, the anxiety will go up.
The only consistency when it comes to sleep is six and a half hours is the max amount of sleep on which I can function. If I sleep less then I’m jumpy or jittery feeling. If I sleep more, I am exhausted and tired most of the day. It is trying to find that right balance to maintain everything. I started setting alarms so I will only sleep six and a half hours no matter when I fall asleep. It has mostly worked but still a hit or miss.
Previously, the doctors wanted to put me on something to help me sleep but it caused so many issues, I ended up losing a job and having to drop out of classes for a semester because I kept nodding off and could not stay awake. Medication is always a hard pass for me already. My eldest son gave me some melatonin to try once, it was only half a tablet, it knocked me out for over 12 hours. Never will I take that again. I woke up groggy with a migraine, it was terrible.
I know if I stay on a consistent walking/workout schedule it seemed to help but I have not gone back into a routine yet. I keep putting it off due to a lack of motivation. Time is not the issue, it is me actually going out and doing it, that is the problem. It will eventually get there again because I was pleased with the weight loss that I was experiencing. I have gained back only two pounds since I stopped walking at the end of June because I am staying on the eating habits I was developing but exercise would be better.
These topics have been at the top of my list for anxiety moments the last few weeks. Things have finally started to quiet down. Routines are starting to develop and help with the anxious thoughts.
Only time will tell if they become permanent parts of my daily life.
Thank you so much for stopping by.
Have a wonderful week ahead!
Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always!