Trust, finally learning how, after 40 years.

9/28/2022

It was May 23, 2022, at 11:48 pm when the person I have been talking to messaged me by email.

It took him a over a week to convince me to engage in conversation with him once more, to pick up where we had last left things on April 19, 2020.

In April of 2020, things had ended badly between us and I was hurt by his parting words. There was also the added stressor of a worldwide pandemic occurring. It was just not the right time.

In a recent discussion he brought it up, saying he had gone back and looked at what was said. He apologized for leaving it that way and for what he said to me. I forgave him and also apologized for my behavior then, as well as, for things that have occurred during this new chapter. That has finally been settled between us.

It has been four months of talking and texting several times a day with each other ever since. I am so glad he was persistent and I had finally quit being stubborn about it.

Over the last 5 years, there have been so many people that I talked to in person and online. Trying to find that connection or that vibe that made me want to stay.

It was not easy. I had my ego, pride and self-esteem hurt many times.

The biggest obstacle that any relationship faced was my mistrust.

Mistrust is a part of me that was created by decades of trauma.

Gaining trust again has been the biggest task that I have faced over the last 8 years of therapy.

It was and has always been the main focus of my recovery plan.

Trust – “A firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.”

I have written about this part of me that was in constant struggle for many years now.

The people that you want in your life all require this basic human instinct and belief in trust.

Trust is the one thing that, once it is lost through carelessness of thought or action, can never be fully regained. If it is regained somehow, the people involved will still have some doubts, that is just human nature.

We either learn from experience or we put up an automatic defense to it. We do not want the same pain or suffering that mistrust can cause.

In this case, we have had numerous miscommunications between us over the course of four months but we never let go or walked away. We came close several times to calling it quits but it worked itself out.

Neither one of us was willing to let go of the other, that is how strongly we feel about each other. We were both determined to continue working on this, together. There have been some long nights of talking to get there.

In myself, I had to let go of the pain caused by others, to quit comparing him to them, to quit thinking the worst was going to happen, and to realize that this is the person that I was looking for.

The one who would be both challenging, kind, compassionate, caring, and most of all, honest with me.

Honest even if it meant my flaws being on display. There were moments when my behavior was called out and I knew he was correct but I did not want to admit it.

It required a tremendous amount of self-reflection on my part as well as letting my defense down to see where my ego and pride was getting in the way.

All of these things required me being able to trust him.

To truly trust that he means well.

To trust his words of friendship, devotion, and love.

To trust his promise to not hurt me in any way, shape, or form.

It was a lengthy list for the person I wanted to be involved with two years ago, and it is still the same, today.

I was patient, waited, and hoped he would come back. I am happy that he did. I had felt that there was more to that connection between us.

Now, to just continue on, and see where the rest of this will go.

To keep the honest communication between us open.

To keep believing in the goodness in each other.

To keep moving forward, facing any obstacles, and to have faith in one another.

That is what finally learning to trust another human being should look like.

Thank you so much for stopping by.