Random Musings, relationships, Well being

Sort of anniversary.

Sort of anniversary.

11/8/2022

I kept feeling or thinking that there was something that I was scheduled to do yesterday.  I checked my email, google calendars, checked my text messages, and checked my whiteboard.  There was nothing on my schedule.

Later that evening my son and I went to purchase a lottery ticket, it became huge, over a billion dollars, so we took a chance. As I was sitting there filling out the slip with my numbers, that’s when it hit me, the thought about why that day was significant.

I asked my son to look up a calendar from 2013, November, the first full week, and asked what that Thursday date was.  He looked at me perplexed but humored me anyway.  It was November 7th, 2013, I kept thinking there is something about that date but couldn’t place it.  I do know during that week; my student entrepreneurship organization was getting ready for our business pitch contest the following week. We had been meeting every day to prepare our presentation and practice.

It was a very busy week for me with kids, college classes, and student organizations. As usual, my then husband and I were having arguments over every little thing going on.  I ran our household, paid our bills, did all the shopping, did a majority of the housework, did all the cooking, picked and dropped off the kids while also attending college during the day.  I had just retired from the military a few months before that.

Then that week the arguments were different, instead of the nitpicking he normally did, he was more emotionally and verbally abusive when we were alone.  He made comments about my hair, my body, my face, my clothes, and basically any physical part that he could point out.  It was becoming very depressing and the anxiety was going up. 

I was just doing my best to keep everything moving. I would cry every night before I fell asleep.  I actually cried almost every night after our fifth year of marriage, that’s when he stopped caring or showed any interest in me.  He would feign jealousy when it came to my co-workers, mostly men, but in private, he never paid attention. I was mostly alone for the next twelve years.

That week of the 7th was the beginning of the end of our marriage.  That behavior and treatment went on for another seven days and I finally broke down on the 14th of November. It was the day before the pitch contest. It was also the first of three hospitalizations that I would experience over a period of the next four years.

It was during those moments of breaking down that I knew that I had to walk a different path going forward.  After that first hospitalization, I could no longer be in the same room as him, we alternated sleeping on our living room couch.  Then we announced our divorce the following January, I got a new job, and moved out.

This week is my sort of anniversary, it was during this time of November, nine years ago, that my life was about to change forever.  This was the last week that I allowed myself to continue to be in the abusive marriage and also the last week that I would continue to hold on to the trauma of my life. I was on the path to just letting the depression sink in. I could no longer fight it.

You have to sink to the bottom in order to realize that life is more than those hard moments.  Those unbearable moments that feel like they will never end. 

You have to look inward, not be afraid of the darkness there, in order to find the light again.

You have to sink before you can rise again and make a breakthrough.

It has been a hard journey but well worth it.

This journey showed the inner strength that carries me every day.

This journey allowed me to see who truly cared and supported me.

This journey made me realize my own value and self-worth.

This journey made me remember the things that I accomplished.

This journey showed me the positivity and the possibilities.

This journey made me feel grateful every day.

This journey strengthened my hope, faith, and belief.

This journey showed me the kind of person I wanted in my life going forward.

Today, I wrote my daily gratitude’s about the life I have had so far.

The song of the day, instead of a single song, I chose an album that was influenced by a duo who I follow on Instagram, a devotional to their yoga life. Their music has been helpful on those stressful days in helping me find focus. It has helped to instill a sense of calm.  Granted they sing mostly in Italian but the music is nice.

After realizing why this week was significant, I can look back and see all the mistakes that I made along the way but also see all the right things that I did, and they far outnumber the mistakes.  It is getting easier every day.

Every human being has a pivot point in their life where a choice is made and it changes your direction.

This week, nine years ago, was mine and it was the best change that could have happened.

Thank you so much for stopping by.

Have a wonderful week!

Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always!

Suzanne