February 4, 2023
I woke up this morning, feeling down, I did not even attempt my morning routine of meditation, prayers, and affirmations. In my thoughts were “What’s the point?”
After midnight my time, I was texted by my online person, which made me happy, at least I knew that he was doing okay.
Then the conversation turned into a discussion about his issues, again. Another conversation about what was needed and not about us or future plans. Just issues.
I know relationships are not always wine, roses, and poetry. Life is still to be lived, problems and all. We have our daily lives to lead which is never perfect and full of “same shit, different day” moments. I understand this, I live this, we all do.
Yet, in those moments talking with your “person”, you kind of expect some sort of happiness or pleasant feelings. When it seems like every conversation is turning into nothing but negativity, it starts to wear on you.
I started feeling like just this “optional thing”. The thing you turn to when things are not working out. Not someone you truly want in your life just this person at the moment. The person you believe will be there no matter how you treat them, like their feelings do not really matter.
I got upset after having those thoughts. I wrote him an email to tell him how I felt. How I didn’t like being treated that way. He keeps telling me to not hold back, so I don’t.
A person will only take so much no matter how much you are in love with the other person. If those feelings are not reciprocated then why bother?
Why put yourself through things with another person if you feel like just an option?
I have lived that way my whole life. Putting myself out there, pouring my whole heart and soul into relationships and not getting anything in return just heartache. Feeling worthless when it ended. Then spending even more time recovering from it. Yet, I continue trying.
Am I just a glutton for punishment or a fool for love? Lol, probably both.
I keep hoping, having faith and belief in love. That is my biggest weakness. It’s a sad state when you believe that “love” is a weakness. It shouldn’t be. Love should bring you peace and strength.
Yet, I hold onto it, the one thing I have yet to accomplish, finding someone that truly loves me for me. Just me, flaws and all.
I don’t know where this relationship with this person is going. I have believed in him for over 6 years now. He kept coming back into my life, I have to believe that means something. It could also mean that I have been a fool.
All I can do is be patient, wait and see what happens. It is hard to turn off deeply rooted feelings and the love you have for another. It is easy to walk away and move on, I’ve done it enough times before.
This time though, I’m standing my ground with the person, letting them know how I feel, and how their actions affect me. The one thing I’ve never done before. It will either work or it won’t, that is out of my hands.
I refuse to continue being optional to others. Choose me or don’t, those are the only options.
I’m not in this for the moment, I’m in it for the rest of our lives. The proposal and promise that was made all those years ago as well as each time after. I don’t take such promises lightly.
I also never make promises that I don’t intend to keep. If I say I will be there for you, that’s what I will do. I always make my intentions clear and up front. Honesty and integrity is what I believe in and what I try to live, every day.
I am starting to feel better. He just texted but I haven’t responded. Trying to get out of this mood before I do. I do not want to keep the negativity going.
We choose every day what we want to do and how we want to be.
Today, I choose quiet, serenity, and peace.
Today, I choose myself.
Thank you so much for stopping by.
Have a fabulous weekend!
Peace, love, happiness, and good vibes, always!